God’s name is love. Always, His thoughts towards Man are good. On the morning of creation day, God said, “Let there be light: and there was light.” He then created the atmosphere, dry ground, plants, the sun, the moon, stars, birds, sea animals and land animals respectively. Finally, He created Man, His ultimate handiwork. Then God stepped back, looked at the wonderful creations of His hands, He was pleased.
Early on the sixth day of creation – just before He made Man – He created the snake and the gorilla. In His boundless wisdom, He created the snake as a carnivore and the gorilla as a herbivore. The snake and the gorilla and the wild beasts that tenanted the Garden of Eden He made harmless. He made them for Man’s recreation. He made them to obey Adam and Eve.
Thereafter, Man lost paradise and gained hell for the thoughts of Man are evil.
Then God’s annoyance rained down upon the earth. After 40 days of rain, the Great Flood swept through the surface of the earth, killing all the obstinate creatures that shunned Noah’s Ark. But both the snake and the gorilla made it to the redemptive Ark. After 150 days of flooding, the water receded and there was dry land. God told Noah to bring out each kind of animals – male and female, so that they could multiply and be fruitful and increase in number.
Having forfeited paradise, Man lost total control over the animals. Subsequently, the snake aimed its teeth at Man’s heels and Man aimed his stick at the snake’s head. Enmity also came between the gorilla and Man. Thus, Man lost paradise to the apple, sin and Satan.
With arms longer their legs, the only surviving male and female gorillas from Noah’s Ark knuckle-walked from the top of the Mountains of Ararat, where Noah’s Ark berthed, to other lands, mating, multiplying and merrymaking. Today, the gorilla is found virtually everywhere on the face of the earth. The two surviving snakes, male and female, also crawled out of the Ark and made their way into the wild, slithering from one land to another, hissing, intertwining and breeding. But today, snakes are not found everywhere, the journey from the top of Ararat must have been too tedious for their soft underbellies. Today, snakes are not found in Ireland, New Zealand, Iceland, Newfoundland and Antarctica.
From Ararat to Egypt to Canaan, some snakes and gorillas made it to Nigeria, a heartless nation of saints where the destinies of snakes and gorillas were changed. The snake that God made as a carnivore in Eden has been changed into an omnivore in Nigeria. The gorilla that God made as a herbivore in Eden has been changed into an omnivore in Nigeria. Both the snake and the gorilla now eat everything, including dollars, pounds, euro and the cheap naira.
Last year February, the Nigerian snake had a physiological upgrade from a reptile to a mammalian – courtesy of the undying spirit of corruption prevalent in the land. Last year, the snake, having realised that he cannot outdo Nigerians in sin, decided to learn a few tricks from them. The snake went all the way to Makurdi in Benue State and submitted itself for tutelage. In Makurdi, Nigeria avenged what the snake did to Adam and Eve. Nigeria taught the snake to sin. Nigeria entered the mind of the snake and told it to swallow N36m! To make the revenge perfect, it was an Eve – one Philomena Chieshe – that lured the snake to swallow the money in the Joint Admissions and Matriculation Board Office in Makurdi.
In the heat of the snake controversy, the gorilla became sad. It lay on its back in the Kano zoological meadow, lost in thought: “Snake swallow N36m? Wetin dis shameless Nigerians take everybody for sef? Wetin snake wan buy with N36m? Na food or clothes or motor or house? Me wey look like Man, me wey fit smoke, play ball; wey fit wear clothes and wey fit go market never swallow money, na snake come dey swallow money. Craze people.”
Nigeria is in the change era. Some call it the next level. The gorilla rose to its feet, yawned, let out a loud fart and smiled. It sat up on its hairless butt, while its powerful, hairy arms rested on the tree trunk slightly above its head. The far-reaching wavelength of the transistor radio carried the voice of the newscaster into the evening: “Now, the news in full: The gorilla in the Kano State Zoological Garden has swallowed N6.8m cash. The N6.8m was collected as gate fees from fun seekers who visited the zoo during the Eid-il-Fitr festival early this month…”
Whaaaat!!! The gorilla let out a loud grunt and rained knuckles of blows on its chest. N6.8m for where!!?? Which gorilla swallow the money? No be me be dis? I see six kobo swallow, not to talk of N6? Kai, see me see trouble o! Nigerians, una think say una fit lie against me because I no fit talk? I go tell una say I fit hear! And I fit act.
The voice of the newscaster floated to the gorilla again. “The kidnapped son of ex-Minister of Health, Dayo Adewole, has been released. The Assistant Inspector-General of Police, Zone 11, Leye Oyebade; the Oyo State Police Commissioner, Shina Olukolu, and the Garrison Commander, 2 Division, Nigerian Army, Brigadier-General O.O. Soleye, on Wednesday, led their men to the scene where Dayo was kidnapped…”
The gorilla placed its black palms at the top of its head in sadness: “Wicked leaders! Stupid citizens! So, the life of the ex-minister’s son dey more important than those of the thousands wey kidnappers don dey kill since? Na so Sai Baba turn Nigeria upside down when im pikin fall yakata on top of okada in 2007. Since kidnappers take over Ilesha-Akure Road, Ife-Ibadan Road and other roads across the country, dem no send even vigilante to visit there o. Now, all Nigerian troops don visit the spot where dem kidnap ex-minister son quick, quick. Shior! Na to steal money Nigerians sabi, dem no sabi rule. Me, I fit rule better if dem vote for me. I go provide food, security and jobs…”
The newscaster went on: “We can’t disclose President, Vice-President, govs’ assets, says Code of Conduct Bureau…” Habaaaa! the gorilla bellowed again and later bowed its head in utter sadness. “Dis stupid people. Why una say make dem declare dem assets when una no fit disclose the assets to Nigerians? How Nigerians go dey sure say no be fake assets the herdsman of Katsina, the Ijebu pastor and governors declare so? Wetin Freedom of Information law talk? Chai, CCB talk say disclosing information on the assets declared by the president, vice-president, governors etc amount to invasion of privacy! Wetin Sai Baba, Ijebu pastor and the governors wan hide sef? The late President Shehu Yar’Adua give im completed asset declaration forms to journalists publicly nah. Which kain anti-corruption fight be dis? Anti-corruption government wey no fit disclose the assets of im major officers!? Even me wey be gorilla sabi say na fake anti-corruption fight dem dey fight so.
“Chai! Dis Naija! Bullion van enter someone’s house for election period, EFCC no talk. Election don end, pastor don stop to distribute N10, 000 tradermoni for marketplace. The wife of oga patapata dey wear designer clothes worth N700, 000. A former Secretary to the Government of the Federation misappropriated N270m meant for victims displaced by Boko Haram, nothing do am. Gandollar was filmed stuffing dollars into his babanriga. Which government corrupt pass, dis one or the Fee Dee Fee government? See, me I prefer to remain a gorilla instead of turning into a Nigerian o.”
Punch
